Wednesday, October 1, 2008

It's official; I am cursed

I am cursed with a douchebag magnet that activates at rock n roll shows. Sure, there are always douchebags dispersed around the crowd but I always manage to position myself right behind King Douchebag himself.

I mean, I'm glad when people get into music and are enjoying themselves, but do you really need to elbow me in the face as you pulse your fist in the air repeatedly, jump up and down on my toes, and spill your Coors Lite all over my arm to have a good time? I know you drove 4 hours from Johnson City, TN to be here, but does that really give you license to act like a total boner? And your homoerotic relationship with your buddies -- on whose shoulders you brace yourself as you jump up and down even higher, that is, in the few moments that you're not fist bumping-- could be an amusing distraction if I weren't already irritated.

If anyone has any ideas on how I can break this terrible curse let me know because I'm going on at least 6-7 shows in a row with this plague!! I don't know what I did to derserve this, but I am ready to repent for my sins if that will help. I'm even open to smudging and /or aura cleansings with crystals. Yes, that's how bad this is.


Reem Tara said...

Wow! I didn't know King Douchebag was from Tennessee! Who knew?!

luai said...

try wearing an air cast Boot on your foot. When you got one of those one people seem to be pretty sympathetic. I milked the shit out of mine, using elevators when unnecessary, getting upgraded on flights, getting to skip the security line. Shit like that.

Tara said...

I feel the same way! Honestly! And I've started becoming really aggressive in dealing with douchebags and brosephs at concerts. I'm a big jerk to them and most of the time it works and they move away! This past weekend I was standing next to a guy playing air guitar for the ENTIRE concert, like drunk and emphatically into it. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him that every time he hit a power chord he was elbowing me in the side!

Reem Tara said...

Air guitar and air casts! You are all geniuses!

Sara Ashes said...

Yes Reem, King Douchebag has recenly relocated to Tennessee!

Luai, now I have more insight into your frequent "injuries".

Tara, good show! I know what you mean about getting aggressive withthis. Sometimes I'll intetnionally put myself in his way so that when he hits me I can shove him real hard. btw, even this didn't work the other night- he didn't even notice when I shoved him!

Also, he was not only playing air guitar, he was playing air piano and air fiddle- this was a douchebag to be reckoned with!

mypalmike said...

Was that your feet I was stomping on? Oops. Sorry 'bout the beer spill too.

Vanessa said...

i kinda like to imagine this: you all cute with your deep purple nail polish and your equally cute crew and the douche bags bashing into you as they just wish they could suck their "buddies" cocks! yes!

Daniel Stover said...

Yes... King Douchebag is in Tennessee. Everyone who grew up there that escapes leaves because we sense his presence. He can jump from one Tennessean to another, so there is no way to quarantine him.

I remember you telling me that a guy at some show like years ago in Chicago, some industrial show, punched you in the face. Thus, we must hypothesize the Douchebag Ghost can jump there as well.

A Tennessean in Chicago once told me he used a .38 to shoot at cockroaches. We can therefore assume it was him who spread the Douchebag Ghost's territory to Chicago.

I have recently learned that the English are like this as well. Best wishes,

A Repentish Tennessean